when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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