today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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