Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
