Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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