the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I could make wine with my vomit
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
