Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
