I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
