....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
