Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
