So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
