what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
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I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
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I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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