she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
