I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
