Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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