Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
