if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Banned from zoo.
Again?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
