You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
