I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
