I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
