dude i'm inner monologue high
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
