True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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