im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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