Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
