I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
