pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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