i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
