At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
