Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
