I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
