god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
