Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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