I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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