Your face is a jimmy john
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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