Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize
