i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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