I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
barbara walters just said penis...
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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