Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
