oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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