i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Are my feet made of real feet?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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