im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
