She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
