Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
