just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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