Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
