I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
