Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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