Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
