I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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