I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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