we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
