Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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