i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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