I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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