I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Naked Twister starts at high noon
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
